Unknown

If there is one thing i have learned about myself these past few weeks is that i absolutely hate the mystery of the unknown. I have also realized that Jesus realizes that i hate this too, and he loves to mock me with this. I ask Him about something... silence. I see something and go "OHHH maybe you are gonna do this." silence.  I will meet someone and get hopeful.. and pray repeatedly about this subject.  silence. i am sick of the silence and i want answers! AHH!  hello? ...  nope.. nothin...

well.. i know the silence is there for a reason.. and silence may be a good thing, but i wish i knew what i should do about everything instead of being left in the dark...

I am scaring myself.

I am finding myself completely vulnerable.

I am praying.

I am never going back.

I am never listening to the lies.

I am never believing them.

I am never assuming.

I am never thinking myself away.

I am never following the crowd.

I am never letting myself go.

I am never giving up on love.

I am never stopping the dream.

I am never taking the easy way out.

I am never failing and not learning.

I am never stopping to hope.

I will never give up.

Dear Sir,

Can you please tell me what is going on .. cause i would really appreciate it.

sincerely,

Ma'am.

So, today i was thinking and praying all day about one thing: is fashion where God wants me.. or is it just what i want?

It all started when my mom started talking to me about colleges, and then she really freaked me out when she said that i needed to have my college picked out by the spring of Junior year. WHAT? that is just a few months away! Then we started to look online at colleges.. and that was when Satan jumped in. he said things like "It even says in the Bible that worldly things don't matter. Isn't fashion a 'worldly thing.'" I was so confused!!

Tonight i went to the Prayer meeting at church with some of my favorite people :). I was sitting there, writing away in my journal, saying "Daddy... please... if this isnt' what i'm supposed to do.... if i am completely on the wrong track.. please please let me know, because it is better to know now than later.. and if i am on the right track, give me a sign."

A few minutes later Tyler walked up on stage and read 2 Timothy 1:6   

"  That is why I remind you to help God's gift grow, just as a small spark grows into a fire. God put his gift in you when I placed my hands on you. "

Everything Skit

So this Sunday.. God gave us (the skit team) the awesome opportunity to present the Everything skit to the whole church. When we heard this.. we were all SO excited for what God was going to do. My part as the cutter of the skit really hit home for me.. and i found today that it has impacted me more than i even can comprehend..

I had depression in the 7th grade.. and i was borderline cutting.. That means that i was SO close to hitting that point.. that i had even thought about it before. I scared myself one day, and thankfully God rocked my world and SLOWLY began to dig me out of the pit that i had gotten into.

A few weeks before summer camp this year.. after i finished teaching VBS, Emily Wall told me that she had skit practice.. I said "for what?" and she explained to me that she was going to be a part of the Everything skit for summer camp. She began to encourage me heavily to participate in the skit, and how could i refuse? I saw the skit a few years back at Winter Retreat and loved it. I went into skit practice.. and they gave me the part of the drunk. I was down with the idea.. i was just glad that i was able to have this opportunity. Later that week, we had skit practice again.. and Amberly asked me if i would mind switching to the part of the cutter. I was like "Sureee.." cause i didn't wanna be one of those difficult people that whined about the part that they got. I really didnt' mind though..

Now that i look back.. i'm thrilled that i got to play that role. Something inside me.. everytime we performed this act of worship... told me "this could've been you 4 years ago"..    I found myself, instead of going through the motions, having it be an act of worship. I found myself hearing God's voice  " I saved you from this, Alyssa..". 

It all really hit me today during the second service. I can honestly say to you.. that that person up on the stage was not Alyssa Baldwin. I knew God was watching all of us from up above smiling. I felt as though i was a puppet.. and he was using me for his glory. And let me tell you.. i am ECSTATIC.

Later this morning ... Connor brennen (Jesus ;)) came up to us and told us something that made my heart smile.. something that i really needed to hear. He told us that someone came up to him and said "i have been cutting since i was 12... and that skit you were in.. just changed my life"

AHH.. i love Jesus.